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The most important step you
can take in your spiritual journey is to ask God to lead you
wherever God wants to lead you, and trust that God will do
this. You will never recover the faith you had as a child
- you are a different person now in many respects, your view
of life, the world and yourself have changed, and your faith
must necessarily change too. Your struggle seems to be on
both the level of the head and of the heart. It sounds as
though they are somewhat in conflict right now. You do know,
however, that it is possible for something to be true even
though we cannot understand the rationale for it. St Anselm,
writing 1,000 years ago, pondered the same problem. He coined
the phrase, 'Fides quarens intellectum' as a chiefy goal of
the Christian life. We translate this as Faith seeking understanding.
It sounds to me that at some deep level you do have faith
in Jesus as the Son of God, and that what is lacking is the
rationale, the intellectually persuasive argument.
Try a different approach. Try praying to
Jesus, and asking Jesus to pray for you to the Father. Ask
the Spirit of Jesus, the Holy Spirit of God, to guide you
and enlighten your mind.
See what happens, and get back to me. Fr.Ed
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